I followed a spiritual calling that unfolded over a period of about 9 months. I spent a large amount of this time deeply connected to the collective and Universal consciousness. I kept journals throughout to help me weather the storm and to capture my learning. I wanted to share some of them here.
Before embarking on this journey, I had gone on an intense process of clearing my heart, body and mind of personal trauma and suffering. This gave me a ‘fresh sheet’ from which to view the collective conscious with an unusual amount of clarity and precision. Despite this, I spent a lot of time deeply confused while sorting through the absolute mess that is the collective conscious and archetypal realm.
The first three months were incredibly intense; I was living in a state that normal society would consider severe psychosis for the entire time and largely detached from daily life and social connections.
This was important for being able to achieve the deep level of insight that I managed to reach for a number of reasons. I was able to venture very deeply into the collective sub-conscious and archetypal realms without being ‘pulled back’ by too much normal reality. I was also able to experiment with different ways of looking and experiencing the world, including surrendering to the quite scary level of synchronicity and magic that appears if you have the stomach for it.
During most of this, my perception of time was very warped, if present at all. I feel like I lived about 10 years of life in that first few months and churned through an unbelievable amount of peeling back layers, processing trauma and deepening insights. Every aspect of life was sucked into the process and I spent the whole time in shamanic meditating, in trance states or thinking that I was telepathically communicating with people or spirits in my head.
The latter was very important; it allowed me to get outside of my own perspective and eventually enter a conversation with the Universe that fundamentally shifted our perception of life.
Usually a scenario/ world-view/ insight would be run through my experience at least a few times before I brain-dumped it into my phone or a draft journal. While it was being run through my experience I would fully believe that it was true before it was ripped away from me in what I unaffectionately referred to as ‘reality collapse’. This might have repeated again a few times before I moved on to untangling the next knot. I have lots of very strange and unbelievable stories from this time.
The following 3 months were deeply humbling. The embodied realisation that we have no real control of our lives was smashed into me and I spent days processing trauma through my body, like an ayahuasca trip, unable to get out of bed.
This was still giving me deep insights into human nature and forcing me to let go of unhelpful patterned behaviour, but by this time I was done. I had nothing left in me and I was desperate for it to be over.
The last 3 months was a very slow recovery and a simplifying and stabilising of the insights and ways of being; although you are never done and I continued to experience very painful and stressful processes way beyond this.
I am immensely grateful that it seems to have largely finished and my experience has settled into a very immediate sense of presence in my life with very little resistance to anything.
I kept pages and pages of writing throughout the process. At various points I organised, edited and consolidated the insights that actually seemed to make sense into a collection. I have shared some of them below. At the very least, you can read it as an interesting insight into what happens during a spiritual awakening that includes a lot of psychosis.
A lot of the conclusions I’ve drawn are overwhelmingly simple and seem even dumb now. But trust me when I say that reaching this level of clarity and simplicity took wading through an absolute shit-show of confusion.
That’s the back-story, believe whatever you want from it and I hope you enjoy my journals!