A close friend was asking me some simple questions about the timeline of events of my awakening when I realised that I have never shared the full picture with anyone else. The mood of the paradigm-shattering immensity of the whole thing has been shared and received in my close friendships and through my content but I have realised that it has mostly been scattering shards of what feels like the wholeness of the thing.
Until fairly recently this had a very practical reason. Since as long as I can remember I have had the experience of taking care of the people around me – including my caregivers – and changing my experience to fit with what will best comfort and support them, rather than be able to share my authentic experience.
Truth is complex, nuanced and scary for people.
My experiences, beliefs and feelings are disruptive and hard to imagine or parse. They tend to hit up against people’s egos pretty quickly. Historically it has been safer, more productive and more meaningful to hide most of it away and only share what I think the other person can handle.
I’ve put a lot of effort into finding ways to push the boundary of this and also had the gift of meeting people who explicitly wanted to disrupt this pattern and welcome the whole of me.
It’s not been without its challenges and limitations; my experiences and perspectives are genuinely overwhelming and confusing for people and they’re often painful and confusing for me to unpack, I have spent a lot of time in the incredibly deep pain of my reality disconnecting from everyone around me and the terror of never being able to reconnect my experiences with society in a meaningful way.
For the moments when I have been accompanied by others on this journey, it’s been very rich to share and I’m very grateful to all the people who have been there for me.
There’s also the practical detail that there’s a lot of content. In 2019 I spent 5 days on one retreat before I was asked to leave, due to strange behaviour. The state of consciousness I was in at the time and the amount of material I was processing felt like I lived out as much content as every character in all eight series of Game of Thrones. I barely slept, every moment was somatic, synchronistic, psychedelic, immersive, magical, mystical, insightful, emotional, painful, ridiculous and the most important thing in the world, all at once.
After this retreat, I went on to spend months and then years in this state of consciousness. Sometimes I feel like I’m billions of years old.
Time is a funny thing. In one way it is undeniably what shapes our experience and in another way it can take many shapes and forms. Getting closer to the truth of experience requires a relaxation around how we understand things playing out.
It also feels like a huge gift and relief to be mostly back in the normal perception and flow of time and creating this timeline feels like a nod towards and a welcoming of this.
I have included a short summary of my earlier years in order to give some context of my life before going into the awakening experiences.
There is a level of detail and precision in my experience that emerges from simultaneously zooming in with a high-grade microscope on every possible aspect of life and zooming out to the most cosmic scale. Every word on this timeline could be a portal into an entire eco-system of stories, meaning and knowledge. For the sake of brevity and clarity, I have kept to the most headline level that I felt would still be meaningful.